Journal Entry
by hiei8912
Summary: im not good at summaries i just hope u all like.
1. Chapter 1

I dont own Kingdom Hearts. I wish i did though.

this is my second fic hope u like it if i get good reviews I'll post another chapter. Thank you and happy reading.

Journal Entry

_Entry 1_

As i sit here, i begin to realize that i am alone in this world. The only thing that ever had meaning,...has no meaning anymore. The only person that i ever wanted to impress did nothing as i was mocked and ridiculed by the others. He even laughed with them. The embarrassment drove me to walk away from everyone in a rage until i found myself outside amongst rumble. I ache all over, but this pain in my chest just wont go away. Why? I myself don't know. I will not ask the others or my beloved who I believe never really wanted anything to do with me. Why do i put up with any of this? Oh, now i remember its to gain what was lost....our hearts. But why should i want to gain back something that can make you weak just as it can make u strong? My thoughts always just lead me asking questions that no one can seem to answer. I can't go to the Superior with this because I'll only get a lecture on our goal. The same goal that has me guessing. Why is all i can say to myself? If we were to gain our hearts will that mean risk losing our powers and our abilities just to be human. Humans die like weak play things. They die from illness and old age. Why would i want to die from old age and risk being a corpse? Or better yet becoming a Nobody once more. The Heartless will just come after us again, so whats the point of gaining it only to lose it again. Damn this pain. I refuse to seek out help. I don't need them. That's a lie I do need something but not the underlings. I need him but all he does is ignore me or talk to me about Kingdom Hearts. I am nothing to him but a faithful servant or dog as the others call me. But i only do what I'm ordered to do to make him happy, even though i no its a lie. He'll never be happy. But i know in my nonexistent heart that i can make him smile a real smile that is filled with emotions. At least make his eyes light up. Hm i still find myself thinking that this goal of ours is very stupid. Is eternal death what he truly seeks. If i were to go to him and tell him my thoughts on this matter he would only give me this long speech on how wrong i am for questioning him. I am his second in command. The others think I had sex with him to gain this position, but that is simply not true. Really i do not kno why i was giving such an honor. You know what I'm still trying to figure out why they call me a dog, I'm just helping the Superior keep order. Without order there will be an uproar.


	2. Chapter 2

_Entry 2_

Kingdom Hearts how you haunt my dreams. I will have you completed so that i can obtain the thing that was lost so long ago. The time will come when i can actually feel the warmth of the sun and smile. It is truly a beautiful night,with Kingdom Hearts shining in the backround. This is the perfect moment to have a lover to do things too in the moon light. Now who do i think is worthy enough to share my bed? Hm Marluxia...no too gay and out there, Demyx....no too child like, id feel like a pedophile. Hm Vexen....no too cold i like body heat, Zexion... no too short but i guess some like there partners small. Hm Luxord... no we both have to be drunk for that to happen. Xigbar would just gross me out just like Xaldin,Lexaeus,and Axel. It will be like rape if its Roxas,and Larxene is the most unattractive woman i have ever met. Hm why not Saix.. o yea the sharp teeth and claws. But then again that is rather sexy,all the biting and scraching. I wonder what hes up too. I know hes been pretty moody lately, i wonder why? Mayb its cause Xigbar made fun of him again. That reminds me what am i having 4 dinner tonight? Man im straving. Hm did i eat yesterday....yea i think i did.. no..no i didnt, mayb i should start snacking? No i have an image to maintain. This perplexs me why was Saix staring at me today like i was a peice of meat? Then again i am very sexy. Hmm i wonder what it would be like to....damn i have to stop that thought.


	3. Chapter 3

Entry 3

Here i am sitting here again, bored. There are no new missions. I feel so confide here,like a dog stuck in the house on a rainy day. I need to stretch my legs and go for a run, but alas we are not to leave the castle. He still hasn't told me why yet. It's stupid. I can't even go visit Kingdom Hearts and tell it how much i hate it. Is it really all that bad being Nobodies and not have something that can hinder you in battle. O but lets not forget those fools who think that having a heart will make them happy. We have happiness as we speak,well some of us do. Fuck why does it always have to come to this, me laying in bed thinking about Xemnas. Xemnas my Superior,my alpha,and my heart, why do u hurt me so? My nonexistence means nothing if i can't see him. Damn i wonder what he would look like naked in my bed covered in sweat? Yea that would be nice... ha ha. Damn, just thinking about it makes me wonder why i feel it is my right to stand by his side. Oh, how this dark room haunts me so. How these fucking voices come to mind when I try to zone them out. Superior,my love will this ever go my way? Probably not. How i wish to be held in your strong arms and comforted by your sweet kisses. That's more than likely never going to happen. Maybe I'm meant to be alone forever without love or his touch. What is nonexistence if we aren't allowed to vent and have fun? Or at least get some? For the love of Kingdom Hearts why me? Why can't I have what i want for once? Then that reminds me of how much I hate everyone else in this damn organization. Those filthy fucks couldn't do shit without me. I mean i do give missions and take more of their shit then Xemnas. Well that's more than likely why I'm not allowed out of my room. It wasn't my fault Xemnas walked into the room while i had Axel cornered like a caged animal. Well all the growling anyone would b able to tell that i was going to kill the useless nobody where he stood. Fuck me,maybe that's why I'm not allowed to leave the confides of my room?


	4. Chapter 4

Entry 4

The weirdest thing happened today other than my finding Marluxia picking his nose. I walked into the Grey room and found everyone laughing like crazy men. So investigated and found Xigbar throwing a tennis ball at the wall and Saix chasing after it. I was in shock. Never had I seen number VII so...so disturbingly Happy yes happy. I was mortified tell u the truth but i just watched as he ran after the ball. And when he caught it he would walk over to Xigbar and get him to throw it again. It would go on in that order. After about 15mins of watching this horrific seen I said something on the lines of 'what is the meaning of this?' That's when everyone looked at me and smiled. But Xigbar was the first to speak 'Hey Xem, told u your puppy likes to have fun. You should play with him more often. He needs to be taken on nice long walks.' with that said the laughter began once again. That's when i looked down at Saix and realized he was looking at me like he had just seen a ghost. He stood on his feet droping the ball from his mouth. With shaky breathes he looked at everyone including myself and his eyes began to glow. I knew that was my cue to leave, so I took my leave.I sat in my office waiting the arrival of my second but he never came...... I wonder why?


End file.
